TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And not the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are speaking Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for historical lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be remarkable. Incredible!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom call, streamed from the Placing inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have experienced attractive ceasefires in Syria. A number of the ideal. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and fully outside of spot. Made by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A three-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • And a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable drinking water. But Sure, sure, let's have A different spot in which American Gentlemen can wear robes and phone it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace attempt since Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though past negotiations failed below the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: offer you Every person a set about the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In line with documents published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is soft ability," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock requires much less diplomats plus more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each and every device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination observed, "It isn't that Trump should not open a tower in the war zone. It really is that he must cease using it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked about the undertaking, replied, "You realize, person, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent persons. Good tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of the Levant."



Satellite Shots Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the lodge's landscaping kinds a large Trump head obvious from Room, a function being promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents as well as the chin is… well, labeled.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits right after obtaining the constructing's gold plating reflected a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to an area melon cart.


"It can be not merely hideous. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Perplexing Attributes


Probably the strangest ingredient of the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium exactly where company could ponder vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with climate Handle established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Regional Syrians are Doubtful what to make of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Strategy: "In the event you Bomb It, They're going to Arrive"


The advertisement campaign, recently leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Forever."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "wherever's the nearest elevator into the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Crisis That Pays"


The task is currently attracting notice from Worldwide buyers, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll acquire 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level will even involve:




  • A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait around to discover a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a hotel exactly where my PTSD can have transform-down services."


A different put up from @KuwaitiKardashian just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark Trump Tower Damascus a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reports suggest:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to build a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Last Thoughts with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that associated a few camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It necessary gold. It necessary a waterslide shaped such as Constitution. I gave all of it three. You happen to be welcome."

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